Confessions of the Heart
by lady-warrioress
Summary: When Koemna rejects Botan's feelings for him she gets depressed and thinks no one loves her. While discussing this with Hiei in the park she finds out some things she never knew about the fire demon. HB ONESHOT some OOCness. DON'T HATE ME!


**Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu hakusho. **

Botan shoved the door shut with an anger filled push. It slammed loudly, loud enough to wake her neighbors, but she didn't care. She would never care again. The ferry girl walked over to her bed and flopped onto it sobbing uncontrolably. It wasn't fair! It just wasn't fair! She sat up and began pounding her fists into her pillow imagining it was her no good boss Koemna.

_How could he! _she thought angrily. _How could he be so inconsiderate!_

Botan had been battling with feelings for her boss for the longest time. When she'd finally gotten the nerve to tell him he hadn't reflected them at all. He'd just told her flat out in a voice devoid of any emotion that he already had a girlfriend and they were quite happy thank you. He'd also said he'd be married by the end of the month. Botan had left the room feeling like a total fool as Ayame had gone into the office to speak to their boss. She had a guess why. She'd seen how the two had spent a lot of time together lately. _She_ was the fiance.

_I hate him! _the ferry girl thought now glaring at her reflection in the mirror of her dresser. _I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! _She picked up her pillow and threw it at the mirror, shattering it into a million pieces. _I hope his father grounds him until Hell freezes over!_

Botan stewed about that for awhile as hot tears streamed down her face. She was a fool she realized. A fool and stupid. _Just like Hiei always says I am! _she thought spitefully. _He was right!_

She remembered telling Hiei about her feelings. He'd listened to her confession only because he didn't have anything better to do since Kurama had gone on a date with Shizuru. Everyone else had seemed busy that night so she'd been his only alternative. Not that he'd wanted it that way. He hadn't cared. She'd come to him.

She remembered his words clearly.

"_What makes you think he feels the same way about you, onna?" _he asked, putting his hands in the pockets of his pants as he'd looked away from her and into the sky. _"Why would he want to be with a stupid girl like you?" _he shook his head. _"The very idea is foolish."_

Botan ground her teeth knowing what he'd spoken was true. She just wished he'd worded it another way. _Why would anyone love a stupid girl like you? _he'd said. Was he implying that no one would ever love her?

"No," she told herself as she got off her bed and walked to the door of her Human World appartment. "That can't be true. He was just saying that because he's a mean old jerk!"

She jerked the door open and walked outside, a huge dark cloud seemed to float over her head as she headed toward the elevator. "Maybe I should go spend some time with my friends."

But that wasn't to be. Her mood was so bad that when she reached Shizuru's house she snapped at the older girl the moment she opened the door. "What took you so long?" she demanded folding her arms. "I've been waiting out here for five minutes!"

Shizuru's cigarette dropped out of her mouth in shock. Did those words just come out of Botan's mouth? The girl expected them to come out of Hiei's maybe but not Botan's. "You're in a rotten mood," the girl said.

"No duh!"

Shizuru glared at her. The two got into a fight and the older girl slammed the door in her face. It had been that way for the others too.

As Botan angrily stomped away from Shizuru's house she muttered angry threats to herself. "Stupid people," she growled. "How can they be so rude? Don't they realize I-"

The rest of her sentense was broken off when she walked into someone, knocking him and herself to the pavement. "HEY!" she shouted sitting up and shaking a fist as the person. "Watch where you're going!"

"I could say the same thing, onna!" another voice shouted just as angrily.

Botan froze. She stared at the person she'd run into. His blood red eyes glared at her with annoyance. "Hiei!" she gasped.

The fire demon gave her a disapproving look as he stood back up. He didn't bother helping her up. He stood over her, staring her down until she looked away from him. "Hn!" he said. "What's got you so ticked, onna?" he demanded.

She didn't reply. She slowly stood back up and folded her arms. Hiei waited. He deserved an explaination for her walking into him and he wasn't going anywhere until he got it.

When she finally looked at him he saw tears brimming in her eyes. "You were right!" she blurted.

He blinked. "Right about what?"

She stared at him a moment then burst into tears. "Koemna doesn't love me!" she wailed, burying her head into his chest as she sobbed uncontrolably.

Hiei stood there, letting the blue haired ferry girl cry. He'd been right. He actually hadn't ment what he'd said. He'd only said it to shut her up. He rolled his eyes. _Stupid Koemna. _

Botan was still crying. "Nobody loves me!" she sobbed, clutching a huge piece of his cloak in her fist. "Everyone hates me!"

"That's not true," he heard himself saying.

Botan looked up at him. "What?" she asked.

"It's not true," he said again.

"Yes it is," she insisted, bitterly. "Koemna hates me. Yukina hates me. Yusuke hates me. Kurama hates me. Shizuru and Keiko hate me. Most of all _you_ hate me!"

He glared at her. "When did I say I hated you?"

"I know you hate me," she said.

"Did I ever say that?"

"No," she replied shaking her head. "You never _said_ you hated me but you're always threatening me and saying such nasty things about me. What am I suppost to think?"

Hiei sighed and shook his head. She was so stupid. Now he'd have to explain things to her. "Come with me," he said taking her hand and leading her into the park.

She stared at the back of his head as they walked, wondering what he wanted to tell her.

When the fire demon found a bench that wasn't too wet from the afternoon rain he gestured for her to sit on it. When she did he sat down beside her. "Botan," he said, leaning over and looking her in the face. "How long have you known me?"

"About three years," she replied, her voice slightly stammering.

"Then you should know me well enough to realize that most things that I say I never really mean," he explained.

"Then why say them?" she wanted to know.

He looked away from her. She was going to make things complicated. "It's a habit mostly," he replied. "When I get mad or annoyed I say things out of reflex like the time you tried to put those dumb stickers on me." for some reason his face turned slightly red at this statement. "I don't usually mean what I say. I just say it because I..."

She stared at him. What was he saying?

"What I said about Koemna never liking a stupid girl like you was just something I _would_ say."

"Because it's true," she said.

"No!" he shouted, glaring at her. "It's not true."

"But you were right," she insisted. "I am stupid and he didn't like me. Nobody likes a stupid girl."

"You're not stupid," he said.

"Then why do you always say I am?"

"Because sometimes you _act _stupid."

"Oh. But nobody loves me," she insisted again, looking ready to bring on more water works.

Hiei took her hand and pinched it.

"OW!" she shrieked, grabbing her hand and rubbing it. "Why did you do that?" she demanded angrily.

"To keep you from crying," he replied, his face showing absolutely no expression. "You can't go around crying over such stupid nonsense. If nobody loved you you'd be dead."

"In my heart I am," she said thinking about Koemna.

Hiei knew what she was thinking. After all he's a telepath. "Just because that fool Koemna doesn't love you doesn't mean you're heart is dead," he told her looking ready to pinch her hand again or worse. "Koemna is as much of an idiot as Yusuke is and has a much bigger ego. Why would you love someone who thinks only about the ways he looks and how great he is?"

Botan said nothing. She thought about that. Koemna did have a pretty big ego. He put his logo on almost everything he gave out for Christmas and even had his own theme music. Why _would_ she love someone who was inlove with himself? _I wouldn't, _she thought clenching fists full of her black jean skirt. _I don't even _respect _people like that on TV! Yet I fell for someone who acts just like Paris Hilton and others. I _am_ stupid. _

SLAP!

Hiei stuck her across the face.

"Hey!" she exclaimed, rubbing her sore cheek. "Why did you do that?"

"Everytime you call yourself stupid I'm going to do that," he replied.

"How did you know-" she saw the area covered by the white bandana on his forehead glowing. "Oh... nevermind."

"Now listen," he said looking her right in the face. "Koemna means nothing. He wasn't good enough for you anyway. Let him be with his female. For all you know her ego is as big as his."

"Actually Ayame seems pretty nice," she said out loud.

"That's not the point," he said.

"Then what is the point?" she asked, sighing sadly. "What's the use? I won't be able to get over him not matter _how_ big his ego is. I went right out and told him how I felt and he acted as if I'd broken something valuable. He got mad, Hiei! He acted like... like..." she sighed. "Oh why am I telling you anyway?"

"Because it's your explaination for walking into me."

"Oh.." she sighed again.

Hiei was starting to get sick of that sound. He had half a mind to get up and walk away but something told him to stay. He didn't know why but he listened to the voice.

Botan was crying again. He watched her crying into her hands and mutter about people who didn't love her and never would. Just because one person broke her heart didn't mean nobody else didn't love her. He decided to let her have it. (No he's _not _going to _hit_ her!)

Slowly and gently he took her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. He looked into her tear stained face a moment then said. "Botan, you shouldn't let what Koemna said make you feel as if the world has ended," he began. "If everyone acted that way when they found out nobody loved them the world would be full of shallow people with no will to live. "

"How would you know?" she demanded.

She saw something in his eyes flicker strangely for a moment then they returned to their normal coldness. He looked away from her. "I know how it feels," he replied.

She stared at him. "You do?"

He let her face go and turned from her, not wanting to look her in the eye anymore. "I never felt love..." he explained tightly. "Not from anyone. Not even from the one person I would like to feel it from."

"Why not?"

"Because her heart belongs to someone else," he answered. "She wouldn't even listen if I tried to explain to her."

"Maybe she would," Botan said leaning toward him. "What would you say to her?"

He hesitated a moment. If he told her what he'd say would it be a sign of weakness? _If she doesn't know who it is why should it matter? _"I didn't feel anything toward her when I first saw her," he told her. "It came over time. When I first got these feelings I dismissed them immediately because I had no time for them. I told myself I was being foolish. Why would I be falling in love? Why would I be falling in love with her of all people? After awhile the feeling started going away but whenever I saw her smile it would start coming back so I would look away. I avoided her and she didn't notice anyway. " he closed his eyes. "She didn't care. She was too inlove with someone who didn't care about her."

Botan felt herself feeling sympathy for him. This was the first time he'd ever opened up to her about anything. She leaned over to stare him in the face a moment. He didn't glare at her this time. He looked sad.

"That must be horrible for you," she said. "If that girl doesn't notice you she must be blind. How can someone _not_ notice you?"

He looked her in the eye. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean just because you push people away doesn't give them the right to ignore you," she said. "That girl is bound to notice you eventually and will probably show you she cares too when she does. In fact if she ever did notice you she would find out what a great person you were and wonder why she didn't notice in the first place."

"You really think so?" he asked her, looking her right in the eye.

"I'm sure," she said smiling brightly. "I bet she would even want to kiss you."

"Hn." he looked away from her and stared into the sky, thoughtfully. "Maybe."

"So," Botan said leaning back so she could look him right in the face. "Who is this girl?"

Hiei looked her in the eyes and said. "You."

Botan's face filled with surprise. "Me?" she squeaked.

He nodded. "Yes you," he replied.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Why should I?" he demanded. "Besides, you were so head over heals for Koemna it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I wasn't about to tell my feelings to someone who didn't share them back. I didn't want what happened to you to happen to me. I don't need my heart broken again." he looked like he wanted to cry.

_Is he going to cry? _she wondered. She'd never seen Hiei ever get emotional or cry. He always seemed so cold. Now he seemed vunerable. Like he was about to break down and weep into _her _shoulder.

"Hiei," she said. "I'm sorry."

"Don't," he said putting a hand over her mouth. "If all you're going to say is that you don't care even though you have no one to love yourself then don't say anything. I don't need you saying anything like that to me." his eyes flickered again and her heart hurt as she felt his pain.

He loved her. It was plain and simple. She had no right to blow him off like Koemna had done to her. Besides; she didn't want to. She really didn't want to. It wouldn't be right.

He removed his hand and looked away, glaring at the shadows in the park. _Stupid onna, _he thought. _Why did I tell her? _he felt hot tears burning his eyes. _I can't cry!_

Plink.

Botan blinked then stared down at the ground. Something round and glowing lay on the pavement. "What's this?" she said leaning down and picking it up. She stared at it a moment. _A... tear gem? _she looked at the fire demon who looked away.

"Is this yours?" she asked.

He ran a hand over his face, drying his eyes. He refused to look at her but his expression said enough. _He_ had cried this. She didn't know how or why but he had.

"Hiei?" she said again.

_Why did she have to see it? She of all people? _

"It's okay," she said looking at the gem. "I won't tell anyone. I promise."

He looked at her again then leaned over and kissed her. She tried to pull away but realized she couldn't do it. She didn't pull away because she wanted this too. She put her hands on his shoulders and leaned into the kiss. He wrapped his arms around her body and drew her in close. The two sat there for the longest time, not even aware of time passing.

When they finally broke away Botan blushed a dark shade of red and looked away from him. She suddenly realized she had also been hiding feelings for him. She tried to bury them under her feelings for Koemna but they had always been there. She had been too afraid of telling Hiei because he didn't seem like the type of person who would care anyway. But she knew they would always be there no matter what.

Hiei looked at the tear gem Botan was still holding for a moment then closed her hand around it. "You keep this," he said. "I don't need it. Just promise you won't tell anyone how you got it, okay?"

She promised then, as he stared to get up, grabbed his hand and said. "I feel the same way you do."

He looked down at her. "About what?" he questioned.

"I love you too," she said. "I always have but refused to admit it."

"Hn." he jerked on her hand and pulled her into a standing position. He stood on tip toe and whispered into her ear, so softly the breath from his mouth blew her hair gently. "Thank you."

THE END

_A/N_

_PLEASE DON'T HATE ME! I TRIED MY BEST! _

_Please say nothing about Koemna and his ego problems. I just think he's a bit stuck on himself by things he says and does._

_I have no idea. I do not like the BotanxKoemna pairing but that is used so much in fics I felt like using it too. I hope you liked the story even if it was a little weird.. This is one of the few fics with an anguishy feeling to it. Sorry about Hiei being OOC (there I admited it you don't have to point that out). I just felt it had to be. I think the fic came out pretty well. By the way, if you're wondering about the tear gem well Hiei cried it. Since he is half ice demon I always thought he might cry tear gems since I never saw him cry in the anime. (If you ever saw him cry in the manga not FAN manga **real** manga) good for you. Besides, it seemed romantic in a weird way. Well that's it. Hope ya enjoyed it._

_Don't forget to leave a review when you're done.  
_


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